Watch Your Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was in a Sunday religious service listening as a church member offered a prayer.  It went something like:

"Dear God, we ask you to forgive us for our sins and our shortcomings. Please, even extend your mercy for even the bad thoughts we may have and forgive us..."

It was a familiar tone to a prayer, if you ask me. This time, however, hearing those familiar words, something stood out to me--the plea to forgive our thoughts.  I, myself, have prayed many times a similar prayer.  Why do we pray to have our thoughts forgiven?  (Stay with me here.)

Thinking Thoughts
I have been taught to "guard" my thoughts against bad or evil or sinful ones and also to control my thoughts to be good ones.  As a young girl, I really wanted to be good (I still generally want that), and I took such lessons to heart.  Perfection--I wanted to be perfect, and I saw no reason why I couldn't be.  In my late teens, I was self-anointed as a psychotic-over-achiever.

Through my growing-up years, If I felt I wasn't policing my thoughts good enough I would be an utter failure.  Depression, worthlessness, hopelessness would be the figurative beating sticks I would use on myself when unwanted thoughts would come up.  "I'm not being perfect!" I would bemoan to myself and the mental abuse would begin.  If only I could just control my thoughts better, if I could just stop thinking, maybe if I could just pray more I would finally never think bad thoughts.

But I have noticed something over my few 28.75 years of living: thoughts come and go.  Sometimes, despite my best efforts, thoughts would come out of nowhere--good ones, bad ones, idle ones, the whole gamut.  It would even happen when I was doing by best--y'know, model behavior like engaged in service, attending to a religious responsibility, innocently sleeping, even humming my favorite hymn for crying out loud!  Some unwanted thought would arise, and I would be shocked, "Whoah! I promise, God, that I wasn't thinking in THAT direction.  I'm doing everything I know to be good. Don't hold that (petty/cruel/harsh/unforgiving/unclean) thought against me!"

One time, a Sunday School teacher said something like, "The Mind is a stage and you decide which scenes will play and not play."  These types of lessons made a big difference.  I've learned that thoughts bubble up all the time from I-don't-know-where.  I can choose to cast them in my play on my mind's stage or I can let them go as easily as they come.

King Benjamin
The words of the prophet-king Benjamin were often taught to me to be harsh: "But this much I can tell you, if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not" (The Book of Mormon, Mosiah chapter 4 verse 30).

In lessons as a young person where the above verse was the topic it seemed like God is just waiting for me to mess up.  As if an angel is just waiting over me with a flaming sword, waiting to strike, and God knows I would mess up, and punishment is inevitable, and woe is me, and I'm already a failure, and kill me now!  (Maybe it's a little overly dramatic, but my 14-year-old self was...)

But now, what I know and what I've learned about God our creator in the last few years is this: God is Love.  Super simple.  My heavenly parents, both father and mother, intend for me to be like them.  And what is Father like?  What is my heavenly Mother like?  Well, I do know that they are creators.  A simple 360 turn around standing on my front porch (or anywhere) shows me God creates.  That much I do know.  God creates and it is good.

God creates--wow! Yes, that is exactly what I want!  I want to be the creator of my own life and my own world and my own universe.  I want to be just like that.

I've heard a million times: "This life is a test."  Yes, it is a test, And what is the reward? Godhood, being a creator.

Take the Test 
Now, there is something I've learned about tests: I was in college for a long time.  Then I got a job teaching college students.  Let's just say that tests--taking and giving them--have been a big part of my adulting for the last decade.  As a student, I know my most successful tests are when I really take on the opportunity to learn with a 100% effort-give-it-my-all kind of attitude.  When I have thought, "It's only a test..." I am usually not committed to really learning the material.  I see the same thing now that I am a professor and giving the tests.  Those who give the test their "all" are rewarded with success and long-term learning.

Bringing it all together
When King Benjamin says, "Watch yourself, thoughts, words, deeds, etc" for me it doesn't mean only doom and punishment, but instead it's an invitation.  Watch. Look. See.  What thoughts do you have? What words do you say?  Notice. Watch. Look at your deeds.

And then see.  See the fruits of your thoughts, your words.  What did it bring?  What did it create?  When God speaks, stuff happens.  He says, "Let there be light," and then the light is.  What does God do next? God sees.  He witnesses and acknowledges His creation: "Yes, I said light and it is." And then what? The light is good. God says, "Light," and then there is light, and moreover, it is good.

So when I say or think or do anything--I get to then notice, witness what comes.  I am a child of The Creator.  What I say, what I think matters because it is how I create.  And I can look for what I create because, guess what! I am always creating and you are too!  What will I see as I look at my creations? Will it be "good"?

I don't always think, "Let there be light," kind of thoughts.  Sometimes I think or say, "I'm sick and tired of..." And do I watch those thoughts? Do I see what comes of what I say?  Is it good? Have I not created illness and lethargy in the past despite being a young, vibrant person?

You see, the thing about being a creator, just like our God-parents are creators, is that I can create it ALL.  I can create light and I can create sickness.  God Father and God Mother tell me, "Watch. Notice. Be aware. Be conscious of what you create!  Because if you don't watch and you are not aware of your thoughts, words, deeds, etc. you will perish, aka die!"  In being inattentive, I can make myself sick and tired to my grave.  The good news is I do not have to do that!

Benjamin says, "Remember! and perish not! or Don't kill yourself!  Don't die. You don't have to do it that way!"  Remember that you can watch, you can notice, and you can choose.  Watch the thoughts that arise; choose the thoughts that will take center stage in your mind. Speak and act. Watch what happens. Will you speak and will you notice what you say?  What will your words bring? Light and love? Or death and captivity?  And will you say, "it is good," when you see those results?

This life is a test.  But to think, "It is only a test. I can slack off. I don't have to really watch what I create through thoughts, words, deeds...." well, that's just self-deception. It does matter!  I am a creator because I am the daughter of THE Greatest Creators.  And what's the reward?  What's the point to all this? Godhood.  Not only to be enjoyed in the afterlife, but also to be enjoyed here and now creating my life.  And it is good.